took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
