After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
