I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
