If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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