He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
