never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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