I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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