After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
