I'm gonna have a badass scar
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
