woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
