im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
