it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
