Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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