she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
