my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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