And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
