No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
