he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
