I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
