Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
farters have to be the big spoon...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
