When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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