I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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