it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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