god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death