I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
