Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.