dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
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We can get drunk and battle coyotes
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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