shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
