I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
