I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
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Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
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I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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