Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
