Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
