is your mom at the bar?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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