she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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