you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
