remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
