i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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