who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
