My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
