Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
