i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
