I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
