508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
