she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
