I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
