If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
