i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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