Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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