HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
