I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
