Pants 0. Shit 1.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
