I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i think i have two assholes
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
