Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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