haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
