I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
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I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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