you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
