even my farts smell like vagina
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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