please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
