i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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