Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
