New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
