i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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